You know the feeling you get when someone randomly shares something with you that is just so TIMELY, so PERFECT, so NECESSARY at the moment you hear it that it brings you to tears??? I got that after my boy Kel Spencer sent me this... Dopeness!
My friend Pages (@pagesofle) did a google search on the phrase "reasons to date a Black woman." He states:
Apparently, when you type "10 reasons to date a black girl" on google the first thing that comes up is...you guessed it..."Top 10 reasons why it's HARD to date a Black woman" followed by 10 reasons to not date a geek, 10 reasons to not date a Black man, and 8 reasons to date a White woman. I am at page 7 on google and I still haven't come up on a single hit of or in semblance to "10 reasons to date a Black woman." SMH. So after over 25 hits on reasons to date a White man, to even dating a vampire, gamer & cheerleaders, on page 9 I got one website. It wasn't even 10 reasons. It's "8 reasons to date/marry a Black woman." Damn, Black women couldn't even get 10, just a cool eight.
So I decided to give Google some help, especially since, I myself am a Black Woman and I'm wonderful to date. lol. I'm also tired of hearing what's WRONG with us and not what's RIGHT with us. Some of these are of course stereotypes. No race is COMPLETELY one thing. There's crazy all all fronts and sides of the spectrum, just as there are nice women of varied races as well. So please no one get at me and say that their White or Korean mother has these traits, too. I'm sure they do. More power to ya. Here goes!
10 Reasons to Date a Black Woman
1) She won't let anyone disrespect her, her children, or even you for that matter. Folk like to talk about a Black Woman's "rage." I'd like to say, we're extremely protective of the ones we love, including ourselves. This trait may have been inherited from the slaves that had to watch their loved ones be sold and taken away. Who knows? But I DO know, if you need someone to get a brick and vaseline on your behalf, a Black woman is down for the cause. We love hard. We love gangsta.
2) Ain't nothing like the real thing, baby! While other races are tanning themselves into Carrot Top, injecting curves, buying "Booty Pop" butt pads, adding collagen to make thin lips fuller, we've had these traits naturally for centuries. Imagine, the same body parts we were ridiculed for and told were ugly are considered "desirable" and "beautiful." My hips are hip now! We're the original and the original is wayyyy softer than the artificial. (Anyone who's fallen asleep on or clutching a Black woman's booty will confirm.) We may not get our hair wet, but we look damn good in a bathing suit.
3) We have Superwoman tendencies. The phrase Strong Black Woman comes to mind. An expert at multi-tasking, very driven and passionate about their career, and still looking for love amidst all of this. We love to save others and put others before ourselves, sometimes to our own detriment. Funny observation: I remember a White girlfriend of mine called me crying once. I was instantly on my feet. "What happened? You okay?" She sobs, "Yes...It's just that...my boyfriend Cory can't get into any of his classes in college, so he's gonna have to stay an extra year. He just doesn't know what to do." I paused..."Um, so why are you crying?" "It's just heartbreaking. He's so worried." It was then I understood it. While others are empathetic, Black woman are sympathetic. Our first instinct is not to feel your pain, but to understand and figure out how to fix your pain. ("Baby, have you talked to the registrar? Don't worry, it'll be okay. Let me make dinner.")
4) No one can wear copper or orange like a brown-skinned and dark-skinned sista. Certain things just look awesome on our skin tone which varies so much that we had to have our own make-up be created. The colors 'light,' 'medium,' and 'dark' are extremely vague when it comes to the skin of a Black female. The plethora of shades we come in make a 96 piece Crayola box look like the 4-pack little kids get at TGI Fridays.
5) Stimulating discussions. They call it having an attitude. I call it having an opinion. No push-overs here. We want to be respected for our minds and intelligence. If you're like Prince Hakim from Zamunda, you can appreciate a woman who brings out the hunter in you and doesn't just give you "Whatever you like" and won't "Bark like a dog. A really BIG dog."
6) She's going to push you to be your best. Black Women look at things as a WE situation. You do well, we do well. It's not about finding flaws, it's about her seeing the strength and ability inside of you and helping you reach your full potential.
7) The Queens of Alternative Medicine. If you're sick, getting sick, or don't want to be sick, and you've dated a Black woman, you've probably heard "Okay, drink this." The Black community has a long history of passing down old remedies for anything that ails you. Orange peel, molasses, Ferrol Compound, Scotts Emulsion, and Caraili bush fill her cabinets to help anything that ails you.
8) Black love is beautiful. Something about watching Will & Jada, Barack and Michelle, Laurence and Gina, Tisha and Duane, Ozzie Davis and Ruby Dee, Denzel and Pauletta, even Beyonce & Jay-Z at a basketball game, just looks sooooo beautiful.
9) Black and anything else is beautiful as well. Statistics say Black female-White male marriages show substantially lower rates of divorce than White-White marriages. Robin Thicke KNOWS he's a lucky man (Paula Patton is GORGEOUS). Robert DeNiro, George Lucas, Wolfgang Puck, Roger Ebert, Justin Chambers, Chris "Mr Big" Noth, David Bowie, and more are all down with loving tha sisters.
10) She's looking for love. With all the talk of the "single Black female," we see a group of women open to giving herself and her love to someone. Black women have made books on dating and intimacy bestsellers; one would like to think that they believe they are in training to make someone very happy. They realize that as successful or complete as they are, there is a need for someone to share it with. Who better but you?
Look at my boy, Mike Brown ROCKING at Caroline's Comedy Club in NYC. He's funny as hell! Check it out!
You want to get married. It's taken a while to admit it. Saying it out loud -- even in your mind -- feels kind of desperate, kind of unfeminist, kind of definitely not you, or at least not any you that you recognize. Because you're hardly like those girls on TLC saying yes to the dress and you would never compete for a man like those poor actress-wannabes on The Bachelor.
You've never dreamt of an aqua-blue ring box.
Then, something happened. Another birthday, maybe. A breakup. Your brother's wedding. His wife-elect asked you to be a bridesmaid, and suddenly there you were, wondering how in hell you came to be 36-years-old, walking down the aisle wearing something halfway decent from J. Crew that you could totally repurpose with a cute pair of boots and a jean jacket. You started to hate the bride -- she was so effing happy -- and for the first time ever you began to have feelings about the fact that you're not married. You never really cared that much before. But suddenly (it was so sudden) you found yourself wondering... Deep, deep breath... Why you're not married.
Well, I know why.
How? It basically comes down to this: I've been married three times. Yes, three. To a very nice MBA at 19; a very nice minister's son at 32 (and pregnant); and at 40, to a very nice liar and cheater who was just like my dad, if my dad had gone to Harvard instead of doing multiple stints in federal prison.
I was, for some reason, born knowing how to get married. Growing up in foster care is a big part of it. The need for security made me look for very specific traits in the men I dated -- traits it turns out lead to marriage a surprisingly high percentage of the time. Without really trying to, I've become a sort of jailhouse lawyer of relationships -- someone who's had to do so much work on her own case that I can now help you with yours.
But I won't lie. The problem is not men, it's you. Sure, there are lame men out there, but they're not really standing in your way. Because the fact is -- if whatever you're doing right now was going to get you married, you'd already have a ring on it. So without further ado, let's look at the top six reasons why you're not married.
1. You're a Bitch.
Here's what I mean by bitch. I mean you're angry. You probably don't think you're angry. You think you're super smart, or if you've been to a lot of therapy, that you're setting boundaries. But the truth is you're pissed. At your mom. At the military-industrial complex. At Sarah Palin. And it's scaring men off.
The deal is: most men just want to marry someone who is nice to them. I am the mother of a 13-year-old boy, which is like living with the single-cell protozoa version of a husband. Here's what my son wants out of life: macaroni and cheese, a video game, and Kim Kardashian. Have you ever seen Kim Kardashian angry? I didn't think so. You've seen Kim Kardashian smile, wiggle, and make a sex tape. Female anger terrifies men. I know it seems unfair that you have to work around a man's fear and insecurity in order to get married -- but actually, it's perfect, since working around a man's fear and insecurity is big part of what you'll be doing as a wife.
2. You're Shallow.
When it comes to choosing a husband, only one thing really, truly matters: character. So it stands to reason that a man's character should be at the top of the list of things you are looking for, right? But if you're not married, I already know it isn't. Because if you were looking for a man of character, you would have found one by now. Men of character are, by definition, willing to commit.
Instead, you are looking for someone tall. Or rich. Or someone who knows what an Eames chair is. Unfortunately, this is not the thinking of a wife. This is the thinking of a teenaged girl. And men of character do not want to marry teenaged girls. Because teenage girls are never happy. And they never feel like cooking, either.
3. You're a Slut.
Hooking up with some guy in a hot tub on a rooftop is fine for the ladies of Jersey Shore -- but they're not trying to get married. You are. Which means, unfortunately, that if you're having sex outside committed relationships, you will have to stop. Why? Because past a certain age, casual sex is like recreational heroin -- it doesn't stay recreational for long.
That's due in part to this thing called oxytocin -- a bonding hormone that is released when a woman a) nurses her baby and b) has an orgasm -- that will totally mess up your casual-sex game. It's why you can be f**k-buddying with some dude who isn't even all that great and the next thing you know, you're totally strung out on him. And you have no idea how it happened. Oxytocin, that's how it happened. And since nature can't discriminate between marriage material and Charlie Sheen, you're going to have to start being way more selective than you are right now.
4. You're a Liar.
It usually goes something like this: you meet a guy who is cute and likes you, but he's not really available for a relationship. He has some condition that absolutely precludes his availability, like he's married, or he gets around town on a skateboard. Or maybe he just comes right out and says something cryptic and open to interpretation like, "I'm not really available for a relationship right now."
You know if you tell him the truth -- that you're ready for marriage -- he will stop calling. Usually that day. And you don't want that. So you just tell him how perfect this is because you only want to have sex for fun! You love having fun sex! And you don't want to get in a relationship at all! You swear!
About ten minutes later, the oxytocin kicks in. You start wanting more. But you don't tell him that. That's your secret -- just between you and 22,000 of your closest girlfriends. Instead, you hang around, having sex with him, waiting for him to figure out that he can't live without you. I have news: he will never "figure" this out. He already knows he can live without you just fine. And so do you. Or you wouldn't be lying to him in the first place.
5. You're Selfish.
If you're not married, chances are you think a lot about you. You think about your thighs, your outfits, your naso-labial folds. You think about your career, or if you don't have one, you think about doing yoga teacher training. Sometimes you think about how marrying a wealthy guy -- or at least a guy with a really, really good job -- would solve all your problems.
Howevs, a good wife, even a halfway decent one, does not spend most of her day thinking about herself. She has too much s**t to do, especially after having kids. This is why you see a lot of celebrity women getting husbands after they adopt. The kids put the woman on notice: Bitch, hello! It's not all about you anymore! After a year or two of thinking about someone other than herself, suddenly, Brad Pitt or Harrison Ford comes along and decides to significantly other her. Which is also to say -- if what you really want is a baby, go get you one. Your husband will be along shortly. Motherhood has a way of weeding out the lotharios.
6. You're Not Good Enough.
Oh, I don't think that. You do. I can tell because you're not looking for a partner who is your equal. No, you want someone better than you are: better looking, better family, better job.
Here is what you need to know: You are enough right this minute. Period. Not understanding this is a major obstacle to getting married, since women who don't know their own worth make terrible wives. Why? You can fake it for a while, but ultimately you won't love your spouse any better than you love yourself. Smart men know this.
I see this at my son's artsy, progressive school. Of 183 kids, maybe six have moms who are as cute as you're trying to be. They're attractive, sure. They're just not objects. Their husbands (wisely) chose them for their character, not their cup size.
Alright, so that's the bad news. The good news is that I believe every woman who wants to can find a great partner. You're just going to need to get rid of the idea that marriage will make you happy. It won't. Once the initial high wears off, you'll just be you, except with twice as much laundry.
Because ultimately, marriage is not about getting something -- it's about giving it. Strangely, men understand this more than we do. Probably because for them marriage involves sacrificing their most treasured possession -- a free-agent penis -- and for us, it's the culmination of a princess fantasy so universal, it built Disneyland.
The bottom line is that marriage is just a long-term opportunity to practice loving someone even when they don't deserve it. Because most of the time, your messy, farting, macaroni-and-cheese eating man will notbe doing what you want him to. But as you give him love anyway -- because you have made up your mind to transform yourself into a person who is practicing being kind, deep, virtuous, truthful, giving, and most of all, accepting of your own dear self -- you will find that you will experience the very thing you wanted all along:
Tracy McMillan is a TV writer whose credits include Mad Men and The United States of Tara. Her memoir I Love You and I'm Leaving You Anyway is now available in paperback from Harper Collins/It Books. She lives in Los Angeles with her 13-year-old son. Follow her on Twitter.
1) Squirrels throw acorns. That's pretty gangsta. Catch them jumping impossible jumps from tree to tree.
2) They have a club on campus. It literally is a club called "Uptown", complete with bar, stage, blacklit sign.
3) There is an Amish population on campus. Yes, they do more than just farm! Education matters!
4) The college bookstore has the only escalators in the county.
5) If you're going to college to find a sweetheart to marry, Bucknell is the place to be. Two-thirds of "Bucknellians" get married to each other.